Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
