How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Everyone says I win the strip club
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
