i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
