Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
