you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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