my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
