Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize