Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
did i walk over a car last night?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
