Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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