My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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