What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
