apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
