when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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