3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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