there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
