He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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