I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
