my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
