Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
