Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
