marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
