okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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