is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
