I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
