Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
