apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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