i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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