dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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