My Higher Power is John Stamos
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
