I just pynch a tree in the face
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
