My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
