my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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