it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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