I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
