I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
