you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
