the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He did a backflip because drugs
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