while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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