True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
