Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
