why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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