She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
