you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
