I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
