Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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