Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
