Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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