I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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