i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
