Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
