I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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