We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize