That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Randomize
