i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
