Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
