In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
