question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
