I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
