my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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