Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I fill condoms, not promises.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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