Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
