you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
