Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
